Call me a douchebag, but it’s hard not to feel a certain loathing for bloggers.
And because I’m so thoroughly douchy, I don’t exclude myself from that hatred. I feel it every time I open this shit up and start typing. There’s just something exhibitionist and sort of desperate about the whole thing. I appreciate that the medium has evolved since I first tried it back in 2004, but when I see all these hacks starting niche blogs and checking off boxes on their how-to-win-at-blogging checklist, it kind of makes me sick.
Look, I get it. I’ve done it, too. Repeatedly. On this very blog, after swearing I wouldn’t. Like I said, call me a douchebag. The shoe definitely fits.
But for fuck’s sake. Let’s all stop pretending we’re doing this “just as a record” of our own journeys, to work on our own projects, etc. This is obviously bullshit. See, there’s this thing called a journal that can fulfill that purpose without any showing off whatsoever.
So all right, I’ll take ownership of this one. You know why I blog? I blog because I get off on people reading my shit. Period, full stop. I write because I’m a narcissist. It’s a compulsion, a weakness, an addiction. The more inane my thoughts, the more rewarding it is to have people read them. It’s a kind of con, when it comes down to it.
Okay, I’m getting overly cynical. There’s more to it than that. Blogging, for me, is also therapeutic self-expression. It’s creative, cathartic, and a sort of confession. (*Crosses himself.*) There’s power in that — something redemptive that keeps drawing me back.
But let’s not deny that this narcissism, this manipulation, this need for external validation is definitely a part of the project, too.
See, as soon as I write something halfway genuine, something even partially authentic and heartfelt, I start thinking about my goddamn stats: how many views, how many likes, how many follows? It poisons the whole thing. It sabotages whatever intrinsic motivation I started with. I fucking hate that.
So consider this my attempt to drive readers away — a kind of penance. This is me trying to ease my guilty feelings from indulging in the blog addiction.
Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa. Peccavi.